The more I free myself, the more I see how repressed many of us around here are.  

There's major electricity in the sky and people are covering their heads. I open my heart and hope to God I don't get struck, but feel the bolts in my body anyway. I'm preying for fire or it's revealing at least. 

What do you call it

There's a new aching in my heart, it's fresh and raw and hot,
Burrows a hole deep into my chest.
She left it there! Though I know it's not
Just her, but what she brought me instead,
That injected into my blood, drew me alive in her bed.
Loved me so tender, with the gentlest touch,
So soft, forbidden, divine!
How it catches my breath when I breathe in at times,
And ripples it's heat out through to my ribs,
Rubs up so harsh against tender bone,
Then into my neck: red gushing woes,
Stiffening there and tightening around,
Passing my air ways, and up, brain-bound.
It is a blushing that my face receives
And it smiles in the presence of her memory.

We either admit to the pain in our hearts,
Or we grow old and numb.

I love her now more than ever

"I remember how much you used to love having sex. I mean really love it. Like I did.  God I'm not like that anymore. I wonder if you are, if you always were or if only with me. Or at least, lastly with me, but I doubt it, I mean, I know that most likely isn't true. 

Not to exaggerate her promiscuity or anything, but, even if she did begin to deny it at one point, she's a red blooded creature, I remember. I remember that much at least. 

I miss her. And I missed the opportunity to love her... truly. Without the sex. Without what we hated, at the time, but loved, and deemed to be evil, the evil in us. 

Only once. Only once did I experience those feelings with another. I'm alone in it a lot. So was she? No. She found people with which to share it. She found me once, or at least my body. And used me, like I used her, unintentionally, intentionally. Not maliciously. Just naive."

"I’m being a little selfish right now. - I just need to tell you about what really happened on my end and in my emotional, illogical, scheming mind. And it really has nothing to do with you – now – with your response that is. :) I just need to tell you, because there’s so much I haven’t told you. I was a little messed up and played a little games. Didn’t know I was doing it. Thought it was you who played them. But now I can see it clearly and I see my faults. And I no longer blame myself for them. Not anymore. So I’ll tell you, if you’re willing to listen. If you would do me that favor and just listen so I could get it out."

I can see her on the beach, golden, in her bikini, dancing, beads of the ocean sweat hovering in the air around her, glinting in the sunlight, matching her eyes. A perfect frozen moment in my eyes. She was smiling at me; I was the one taking the picture. I was the one she wanted taking the picture.

And how so drastically things change, relationships evolve and disintegrate, slip through our fingers like grains of sand, coming apart, dried from the heavy beating of sunlight. All the binding moisture of our muds sucked up and away, until we are no longer together…lost, tumbling down into the millions upon millions of identical specs, where we will never again find ourselves together in the same way. We will meander and intermingle, collect and collide, but here will we never again meet, when I held your towel, while you celebrated life… the one we intended to share.